Thats what I needed to hear from my sweet baby girl last night. A little girl who could barely keep her eyes open at 7 was still wide awake at 11, waiting for me to snuggle with her. What I perceived as disobedience and stubbornness was a wake up call for me to see that Lexi just simply had something on her mind.
As I climbed into bed, between the cold crisp sheets, some warm little heater of a body snuggled in next to me. She wrapped her arms around my neck, "Will you hold me mommy? I want you." I couldn't possibly get her any closer to me but squeezed her just a little tighter so she felt a difference.
In the glow of her nightlight, those big blue eyes peered into mine. Memories started to flood her mind.
"Mommy, remember our old little house? Remember when you would take me and Kayci to the park? Remember when we would make cookies, just you and me? Remember when we would play games all day? Remember when we went to see 'at the lake grandma'?"
I realized...my heart was broke in two!
On one side, my miracle of a family. A wonderful husband that God blessed me with. A husband who doesn't complain or walk away when times get tough. A husband who washes the dishes and dresses the kids so I can take a shower. A man who works hard all week long, brings home a paycheck and rarely ever gets anything for himself. My husband, the love of my life.
My Kayci J- even though she is far away and I don't see her often, she is ALWAYS at the front of my mind. She was my first and my love for children grew by being around her. She is a wonderful example of strength and sweetness despite her rough childhood. From the oldest and only child to a family of 8 overnight--my beautiful silly goose Kayci.
This side of my heart, is my foundation. The base on what I build my life around.
The other side my calling, my heartbeat, my love, my passion, my desire-- to help and guide hurting children. My 59 children that have some through this home begging for a second chance, for love, for food, for clothes, for a bed, for direction, sometimes simply for a daddy. Every waking minute of everyday is directed towards giving each baby and child the love and support they need. Each child comes with a new set of emotions and quirks, a new set of hate and mistrust, a new set of likes and dislikes-- a new set of schedules. But each one always comes with innocence and a need to be told "i love you, you are wanted, you are safe" Each one needing a hug and a kiss. Each one needing a cuddle and a snuggle. I love them, they are everything I saw myself having as a growing adult. They are what I live to change and strengthen. They are why I have this house, my car, my couch, these beds, double tables, extra storage. They are my life!! Foster Care is what keeps this mama going.
As my baby fell asleep in my arms, I realized I needed to fix my heart. Mend the two sides together, quickly. I saw that I was losing my child's sharing, loving, caring spirit towards all these children and I need to act fast. But how? With what? How do you take foundation and mend it with your passion?
I'm sure everyone is wanting to know the answer and unfortunately, with tears streaming down my face this morning...I don't know. I don't know how to quench the feeling I have of betrayal to my family for what I enjoy doing. I can't fight the guilt of not spending enough time with my miracle. I also can't reason giving up on my little loves just because I can't find an answer at this moment. I will follow my calling that God placed in my heart over 3 years ago and guide my precious baby girl to see my light. I will pray without ceasing that she grows to be a giving, loving adult who sees that even tho she had to share her mommy and daddy, she was blessed beyond belief for her sacrifice. I will mend together my broken heart with family, love, GOD, prayer...Living and Laughing and Loving UNCONDITIONALLY. I will raise all my children to know God and the greatness He has given us. And when you see a child in walmart screaming or a mommy with her hands full, or a daddy carrying groceries, or a giant suburban filled with bobbing heads...pray for them, bless them--Because of their sacrifice, tell them they are doing a good job. Even mommy's need to hear that sometimes:)