Friday, September 20, 2013

Mending the Broken Heart~

"Its ok mommy, I still love you. I will always forever in the whole world sky love you mom."

Thats what I needed to hear from my sweet baby girl last night. A little girl who could barely keep her eyes open at 7 was still wide awake at 11, waiting for me to snuggle with her. What I perceived as disobedience and stubbornness was a wake up call for me to see that Lexi just simply had something on her mind.

As I climbed into bed, between the cold crisp sheets, some warm little heater of a body snuggled in next to me. She wrapped her arms around my neck, "Will you hold me mommy? I want you." I couldn't possibly get her any closer to me but squeezed her just a little tighter so she felt a difference.

In the glow of her nightlight, those big blue eyes peered into mine.  Memories started to flood her mind.
"Mommy, remember our old little house? Remember when you would take me and Kayci to the park? Remember when we would make cookies, just you and me? Remember when we would play games all day? Remember when we went to see 'at the lake grandma'?"

I heart was broke in two!

On one side, my miracle of a family. A wonderful husband that God blessed me with. A husband who doesn't complain or walk away when times get tough. A husband who washes the dishes and dresses the kids so I can take a shower. A man who works hard all week long, brings home a paycheck and rarely ever gets anything for himself. My husband, the love of my life. 

My Kayci J- even though she is far away and I don't see her often, she is ALWAYS at the front of my mind. She was my first and my love for children grew by being around her. She is a wonderful example of strength and sweetness despite her rough childhood. From the oldest and only child to a family of 8 overnight--my beautiful silly goose Kayci.  

Lexis Lou- marrying Joel brought along a sacrifice of never having a baby. He wasn't able to have children and that never did stand in my way of loving him and spending the rest of my life with him. Not even a year of being married, I found out we were pregnant with Lexi. On August 13 2008 when we heard her heartbeat for the first time, I knew she would be special. God's blessing with a mixture of both Joel and I was purely a miracle. She was perfect in every way. Red hair, big blue eyes...her mommy's personality, yet daddy's tastebuds. I vowed when she was born to always protect her, love her, give her the world. My little monkey--Lexi lou.  

This side of my heart, is my foundation. The base on what I build my life around.

The other side my calling, my heartbeat, my love, my passion, my desire-- to help and guide hurting children. My 59 children that have some through this home begging for a second chance, for love, for food, for clothes, for a bed, for direction, sometimes simply for a daddy. Every waking minute of everyday is directed towards giving each baby and child the love and support they need. Each child comes with a new set of emotions and quirks, a new set of hate and mistrust, a new set of likes and dislikes-- a new set of schedules. But each one always comes with innocence and a need to be told "i love you, you are wanted, you are safe" Each one needing a hug and a kiss. Each one needing a cuddle and a snuggle. I love them, they are everything I saw myself having as a growing adult. They are what I live to change and strengthen. They are why I have this house, my car, my couch, these beds, double tables, extra storage. They are my life!! Foster Care is what keeps this mama going.

As my baby fell asleep in my arms, I realized I needed to fix my heart. Mend the two sides together, quickly. I saw that I was losing my child's sharing, loving, caring spirit towards all these children and I need to act fast. But how? With what? How do you take foundation and mend it with your passion?

I'm sure everyone is wanting to know the answer and unfortunately, with tears streaming down my face this morning...I don't know. I don't know how to quench the feeling I have of betrayal to my family for what I enjoy doing. I can't fight the guilt of not spending enough time with my miracle. I also can't reason giving up on my little loves just because I can't find an answer at this moment. I will follow my calling that God placed in my heart over 3 years ago and guide my precious baby girl to see my light. I will pray without ceasing that she grows to be a giving, loving adult who sees that even tho she had to share her mommy and daddy, she was blessed beyond belief for her sacrifice. I will mend together my broken heart with family, love, GOD, prayer...Living and Laughing and Loving UNCONDITIONALLY. I will raise all my children to know God and the greatness He has given us.  And when you see a child in walmart screaming or a mommy with her hands full, or a daddy carrying groceries, or a giant suburban filled with bobbing heads...pray for them, bless them--Because of their sacrifice, tell them they are doing a good job. Even mommy's need to hear that sometimes:)


  1. My dear, dear Shawna,
    You are going through what every parent in ministry goes through, and I pray for you every day (sometimes many times a day). You can't do it adequately in yourself. It has to be supernatural. It has to be through the power of the Holy Spirit. Too many of us would give anything to go back to do things differently. If we had just relied on God...totally trusted Him in all things, including what to say "no" to...and realized that our children are our most precious heritage, we would have made things easier for ourselves. (You know I'm talking about myself here.) I am so very thankful to God for you...that you can see the need rather than the naughtiness (in all children). Rest in Him. He says His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Don't get up in the morning and put the yoke on by yourself, without Him. It's hard to pull something by yourself that's made for two. I love you. I admire you. I pray for you. God is using you in the lives of children. And Lexi is a beautiful example of that!

  2. Angie WilkersonSeptember 20, 2013

    What O Mama said! I have heard that from pastors & daycare providers...that finding the one on one time with their own families is sometimes hard to find... Couple ideas come to mind to help Lexi/Kayci feel their "specialness" in the family dynamic...might be to delegate some one to one time to O Mama (and Greg) ...baking cookies while O Mama talks about family history, you as a baby, may help the girls feel more tied into family than the blessings currently in your home...or possibly having a "date night" with them individually. Even if its 1 hr a week where they get to plan how to spend the time, where they know its just you and them, and that the other blessings may not share...I can't imagine walking in your shoes with all that you have on your plate, but I do know you are called so therefore remember! 2Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us EVERYTHING we need for LIFE and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. As you walk it out, don't forget that Satan is alive and well, wanting to deceive you into thinking that you are "off track". I love this acronym for FEAR.... False Evidence Appearing Real... Lexi may have already worked thru her feelings and Satan is using her momentary feeling to dis-rail you. Stand Strong! You and Joel Rock!!