What is God's will? We pray for it, we beg for it, we trust it. But what is it? How do we know when it happens? My view of God's will sometimes seems different than an another's view of God's will. I feel we throw the statement "God's will" around to lightly.
So for tomorrow, I'm not asking exactly for God's will (since I don't know what that is), I'm asking for God's favor! I'm praying for His guidance. I'm begging for Him to give me the right words to say and I'm trusting that the best for the kids prevails.
Silas and Brooklynn's mediation will happen tomorrow. Three things can happen:
1) Dad will relinquish his rights-- meaning we wrap up with permanent custody and can adopt the kids in 3-6 months. This is what everyone is wanting. That is what we all feel is best for the kids. They have officially been with us for 18 months. This is our prayer. Its a long shot, but our prayer nonetheless.
2) The kids will be ordered back with him--which we include a couple weeks of transition time and they are out of our lives forever. Their dad hasn't seen them in almost two years. Of course we feel that is true abandonment. The kids don't know him, they don't remember him except for the occasional nightmare I KNOW Silas has about his past. Dad doesn't have a home, a job, transportation or anything required to care for children. So we are truly hoping this does NOT happen.
3) We will continue on to court--we don't want to go this way either. We have THE WORST judge. She favors biological parents and looks down on foster parents and DFS. I feel we will lose the case if we get sent back to court.
So many many many thoughts and wonders run through my head tonight. I have spent hours working on this adorable photo album for dad, filled with pictures of my babies during the last year. I'm crazy in thinking he will see how amazing their life is, but I have to try. I look back on the picture right after we got them and the CHANGE is so vivid. I got these two babies...scared, behind, unattached and confused. And now they are strong, confident, right on track and bonded to our family. Who would want to change that? Who would want to take them from their mommy and daddy?
Joel and I have talked and talked and talked about what next... What happens if they leave? I can't even imagine life without them. I don't know what will happen if we aren't awarded custody. As their parent, not protecting them would be a failure to me and I don't know if trying to adopt again would change that. In my heart Silas and Brooklynn are my babies and I don't think I could ever replace them.
My heart is scared and broken tonight. I am humbled before God and churches all around...praying and pleading for favor tomorrow. Hoping all hearts will be softened tomorrow and the kids be the center of our discussion. If we have time after this meeting, Dad has also asked for a visit with the kids. This will be the first time they have seen him in 21 months and the first time they have had any visit in almost a year. This weekend will be rough for them...lotsa snuggles and love for their confused hearts and emotions. This foster care job gets harder and harder every day:/
I know this seems like a sad post, but I'm asking that you just lift us up in prayer tomorrow. I have faith in God and can't wait to give you a happy update tomorrow:)